It takes a lot to decide to keep a baby when you are unemployed and still depend on your parents for everything. It takes even larger guts to stride it alone when the person I thought I loved, broke my heart and decide to keep away from me. I fight the hatred within because he promised to love you, no matter what. I fight the terror within because I am afraid I may love the child less. It’s not the choice of giving birth or not but giving her away for adoption, where she can have all that I can’t provide.
After birth, the gifts help me hold the fort before reality sets in; that taking care of her, will need money. He decides to take off and disappear as he sees that life is far much better without baby expenses. I go on with life as if nothing happened. Job searches become more of prayers and in return, regret letters. Whatever cash I get, is a stop for a celebration. Though short, it’s worth the joy.
Many nights I’ve sat alone in the dark, just thinking and praying that something would give way so that I may start providing for her, that I may stand on my own two feet and not depend on anyone. I feel foolish and stupid for having loved too much and given too much too soon. I wonder what I can do for the little angel sleeping by my side, unaware of the war raging inside my heart and head. Tears fall freely because it seems I feel alone and unsure of the next step.
I see her grow every day and every year. Her cheeky smile, playfulness and innocent words and face, make me want to sacrifice the much I can to give her a wonderful home. I do my best to get that cash. At times, I get home late from work and find her already asleep. Kiss her forehead and cheek and whisper in her ear, I love you. I want to spend every minute with her. Every moment too precious to miss but reality is that we need the money. She just has to contend with seeing me in the early evenings or the afternoon weekends after work.
In my free time, my love for her will never fade. Play and run around with her even though I'm tired. Answer all her questions in all the simplest ways I can. Take walks and enjoy the nature. Play dress up and be as a child as I can be. Do doodles and claim that is my name. Watch cartoons and all their reruns. Take funny pictures for the lasting memories.
All in all, I want the best for her… I scream within myself that I want to be the best mother I can ever be.
- To the ‘sperm donor’(I don’t think any other term befits you), the bundle of joy you helped create and abandoned will be the change that you will one day come back to seek when it’s too late. We live and see each day by God’s grace not yours. I pray she grows to forgive you for the choice you made.
- To that specific fellow single mother, who washed me with her insults and humiliation, I say thank you. Thank you for the words, the texts and everything you had to say. It helped me to push much further in life and after that, I don’t think there’s anything insulting that anyone can say that can top yours. I’ve gained a tougher skin and for that, I say thank you.
- To the potential dates I had, thank you too for the experience I got. Some took off and kept silent after knowing I had a child, like I was a leper. Some took advantage and tried to ease their way in through my child. Some took advantage of my will and determination to pick up the shattered pieces and decided to joyride without any fruitful contribution.
- To my employers, former and current, thank you for not asking too many questions about the other parent when I had the employment forms to fill.
- To my friends, thank you for the true colors you showed. Thank you to those who supported me all through and never left my side when my social status changed, from single to new young, single mother. Thank you too, to all those who took off and kept away without a word. You helped me reduce my real friends’ list in the easiest way possible.
- To my family, I thank you for standing by me through everything. I may have brought shame and I would want to do everything in my power to erase it all. Thank you for always being there and being good role models to my child… your niece, nephew or grandchild.
- To my current and future spouse, I say this because I’m not perfect. I fight within myself to be better and not carry this baggage within me. To not feel like a failure or mistake because of the choice I made. Bear with me and love me for whom I am. That is all I ask. Accept me and my child, just as you would your own and take the lead in this family I started. We are in this together.
For once, I’m certain that no matter how hard it gets, my child and I will still survive…
Single Young Mother.
Disclaimer: The letter above is fictional and may relate to any single parent out there having it rough to provide for their child. This is in no way directed or meant to fire any shots at any individual.
Though if the shoe fits, feel free to wear it.